- I’m a complete dork, which means you can (and should) be too. We can fly our dork flags high!
- I’m pretty damn smart. Need help with that report? I’m your gal.
- Great legs. Legs that are ready for hiking, snowboarding, climbing and look pretty speccy in a skirt.
- I can assemble furniture on my own as long as you buy the wine.
- Making out doesn’t get old with me. Added bonus: my dental hygiene is brilliant.
- I have great taste in music, road trip mixes are my forte.
- Feeling a bit ill? Don’t worry I’m a nurse, I’ve got that covered.
- Nothing grosses me out. Yes, of course I wanna see you pop that pimple.
- Parents love me. Downside is that when we split they’ll be trying to keep their relationship with me alive.
- I can eat. A lot. And we will.
- I don’t buy trashy mags. I buy books. You will have access to a fine collection of literature.
- I have no real idea on how to put make up on. My face makes up for it.
- Hairy? Bring it on! I will never force hot wax upon you, you manly beast you.
- I can watch any sport if you want to explain to me what is going on.
- I’m a great traveller, let’s go!
Even I want to date me now.
—Erin Paige Law
“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)